Monday, February 16th, 2009 | Author: Mystical
Q asked:
We walked through the forest in spear head formation. Mathun walk at point; Arsil at his right grinning wickedly, and Plu at his left smirking smugly as always. Ran walked to Arsil’s lower right wearing his usual mindless expression and I walk to Plu’s lower left. As we walked through the trees my mind went back as far as my memory would go. Two mouths, one week, three days, five hours, and three minutes exactly; to the moment when I began to died.
EDISON
We walked through the forest in spear head formation. Mathun walk at point; Arsil at his right grinning wickedly, and Plu at his left smirking smugly as always. Ran walked to Arsil’s lower right wearing his usual mindless expression and I walk to Plu’s lower left. As we walked through the trees my mind went back as far as my memory would go. Two mouths, one week, three days, five hours, and three minutes exactly; to the moment when I began to died.
EDISON
Category: Books & Authors
there are too many names to keep track of at the beginning. I would start by telling the story about a generic ‘group’ of men walking in spear head formation, then gradually, introduce the characters as the story progresses.
I’m not writing this to be malicious or anything of that sort; this is just constructive critisism .
- The names are not memorable: I’m guessing native americans ( spear-head) or fantasy characters. If they are not of that sort, then you change their names.
- You are describing the characters, in a tedious manner (noun, verb, adverb, etc.)
Arsil grinned wickedly
Plu smirking smugly
Arsil mindless expression
I’m sure your trying to give us a glimpse of their persona, but there are a million ways to better this. (myriads of info available on the net)
-You lay too much information down at once, making it hard for the reader to follow; the information also seems redundant.
- Your sentences are verbose.
- You need to add some information about their setting. You have only mentioned tree’s in which they walked ‘through’
- And the obvious…You have many spelling and grammar mistakes.
Basically, no it’s not a good start to a story. I couldn’t picture the setting; choice of names and words are poor; characters are monotonous, and the last sentence is too much. The best writers use the least words to say the most.
Remember… You need a strong introduction to keep the readers turning the pages. The introduction either makes or breaks ir for the reader.
Feel free to ask me questions or pointers.
-Stewart